Thursday, September 02, 2004

Cheney's Convention Speech -- WITH COMMENTARY

Vice President Dick Cheney's Remarks
Published: September 1, 2004
he following are remarks made by Vice President Dick Cheney, as prepared for delivery.

I am honored by your confidence. And tonight I make this pledge: I will give this campaign all that I have, and together we will make George W. Bush president for another four years (so I can really be in charge again for another 4 years).
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Tonight I will talk about this good man and his fine record leading our country (ho ho ho)…. How do you think I got the job? (By picking yourself when you were in charge of Bush’s VP selection)
On this night, as we celebrate the opportunities that America offers (for rich, white powerful people you and the delegates), I am filled with gratitude to a nation that has been good to me (and even better to Halliburton)…. And I don't think it would surprise (my grandfather) much that a grandchild of his stands before you tonight as Vice President of the United States. (How surprised would he be about you being directly responsible for the unnecessary deaths of 1,000 US servicemen?).
It is the story of this country that people have been able to dream big dreams with confidence they would come true (Oh, I thought that was Zimbabwe's story)…
From kindergarten to graduation, I went to public schools (another reason not to send your kids!) … President Bush reached across the aisle and brought both parties together to pass the most significant education reform in 40 years (and then declined to fund it). With higher standards and new resources, America's schools are now on an upward path to excellence (minus the upward path and the excellence) -- and not for just a few children, but for every child (going to an affluent private school).
Opportunity also depends on a vibrant, growing economy (thus the current lack of opportunity). As President Bush and I were sworn into office (soon after we stole the election)… President Bush delivered the greatest tax reduction in a generation, and the results are clear to see (yes, yes, they are). Businesses are creating jobs (at startling low rates). The Bush tax cuts are working (for Bill Gates).
Our nation has the best healthcare in the world (outright lie), and President Bush is making it more affordable and accessible to all Americans (outright lie in same sentence). And there is more to do. Under this President's leadership, we will reform medical liability so the system serves patients and good doctors, not personal injury lawyers. (Read: government giveaways to HMOs, drug companies at everyone else’s expense)
These have been years of achievement (for the US men’s gymnastic team)…
Since I last spoke to our national convention, Lynne and I have had the joy of seeing our family grow (I guess you’re not the only one in the Cheney clan who’s put on a few)...they will inherit a world in which they can live in freedom, in safety, and in peace. (They will also inherit all your Halliburton blood money)
September 11th, 2001…America…awakened to a possibility even more lethal: this enemy…armed with chemical, biological, or even nuclear weapons (unlike Saddam Hussein and Iraq).
…Firm in our resolve, focused on our mission, and led by a superb commander in chief (ho ho ho again), we will prevail.
The fanatics who killed some 3,000 of our fellow Americans may have thought they could attack us with impunity -- because terrorists had done so previously (Clinton cheap shot – ZING – I like it).
In a campaign that has reached around the world, we have captured or killed hundreds of Al-Qaeda (and created thousands more!). In Afghanistan, the camps where terrorists trained to kill Americans have been shut down, and the Taliban driven from power (to be replaced by warlords). In Iraq, we dealt with a (non)gathering threat… months ago, Saddam Hussein controlled the lives and fortunes of 25 million people. Tonight he sits in jail. (At the discount price of a quarter trillion dollars and thousands and thousands of Iraqi and US dead).
President Bush does not deal in empty threats and half measures (nor did Stalin), and his determination has sent a clear message (The message is: ‘Fuck You. We’re America and we’ll do as we please’). Just five days after Saddam was captured, the government of Libya agreed to abandon its nuclear weapons program (you know they’re desperate when they play the Libya card).
The men and women who wear the uniform of the United States represent the very best of America. They have the thanks of our nation (we thank them Bush-style by cutting their benefits and forcing their re-enlistment).
This nation has reached another of those defining moments (agreed). Under President Bush we have…help move the Middle East away from old hatreds and resentments and toward the lasting peace that only freedom can bring (who art thou trying to kid).
Senator Kerry denounces American action when other countries don't approve (then why did he give the President the authority to go to war?) -- as if the whole object of our foreign policy were to please a few persistent critics (it’s not? Oh my God!). In fact, in the global war on terror, as in Afghanistan and Iraq, President Bush has brought many allies to our side (Micronesia! Yay!)…
He voted against body armor, ammunition, fuel, spare parts, armored vehicles, extra pay for hardship duty, and support for military families (He really voted against giving the Bushies another blank check, but whatever…).
Fellow citizens, our nation is reaching the hour of decision, and the choice is clear (Amen to that!).
President Bush and I are honored to have the support of that police officer, and of (Zell Miller) Democrats, (right-wing) Republicans, and (almost no) independents from every calling in American life.
The historian Bernard DeVoto once wrote that when America was created, the stars must have danced in the sky (were they doing the Macarena?).
When this convention concludes tomorrow night (thank God), we will go forth with (mistaken) confidence in our cause, and in the man who leads it. By leaving no doubt where we stand, and asking all (misinformed, imperial-leaning, authoritarian, plutocratic) Americans to join us, we will see our cause to victory. Thank you very much.

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