Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Elisabeth, We Hardly Knew Ye

Under the listing of entertainers appearing at the Republican National Convention, I found this surprising ditty:

Elisabeth Hasselbeck - Elisabeth participated in the second season of the Survivor reality game show, which took place in the Australian Outback. Currently, Mrs. Hasselbeck is a co - host of ABC's daytime talk show, The View and is married to Washington Redskins quarterback Tim Hasselbeck.
In the spirit of "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em," we thought our readers would want to employ the time-tested methods you may remember from such Republican-led protests as "not drinking Pepsi cuz a scantily-clad Madonna made out with a black religious statue come to life (oh and don't forget the stigmata and the burning crosses)", "crushing Dixie Chicks cds under a steam roller cuz they, um, were mean to the president", and "just saying 'non' to French wine because the French government exercised good judgment." I know our readers will want to take swift and immediate action in protest of Elisabeth's appearance at the convention, so to that end we provide here a list of all media entities and products you will want to boycott and otherwise resist:

Elisabeth Hasselback (nee Filarsky) is currently featured on ABC's The View, so we recommend boycotting not only that program, but also ABC's entire lineup, Charlie Gibson through Jimmy Kimmel. In addition, since Disney owns ABC, we urge everyone to boycott all Disney TV shows and films (hey, they've had a rough year anyway, although if you already own Miracle on DVD you can watch it -- we wouldn't deprive you of the irresistible combination of cold war era Olympics and Kurt Russell), as well as all theme park attractions and yes, Dave, Radio Disney is off limits too!

Elisabeth was made, um, famous on the CBS program Survivor. Therefore, not only do we endorse a boycott of the entire CBS lineup, but also everything on any Viacom owned station including Comedy Central (sayonara Daily Show & South Park), MTV (we could all use that hour a week watching Road Rules Real World Challenge back) and VH1 (yeah, I know, we weren't watching it either). We also will host a Survivor buffs burning.

And finally, burn those Redskins season tickets (her husband's the quarterback), no more Who Wants To Be A Millionaire (Meredith Viera will pay for choosing Elisabeth over that Real World San Francisco chick!) and say so long to shoes...yes, all shoes. Elisabeth designs shoes but we're not sure which ones so to be safe, we urge everyone to turn the steamroller on the shoes and kick it Huck Finn style.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh shut up you loser libbys.

3:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do we really have to boycott Survivor? After all, it isn't as if she's on the show anymore. The same goes for CBS in general. I also object to boycotting shoes. It gets cold here in the winter! :)

9:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is the stupidest thing i've ever read. no wonder the demos can't get it together.

2:15 PM  

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