Friday, October 22, 2004

On The Road, But Not At The Wheel

[An editorial by Fletcher Christian, friend, contributor and fellow mutineer]

For months, the Terror Twins of Bush and Cheney have been warning (read: scaring) Americans about an impending attack before the November election. Yet instead of hunkering down to protect us from the evildoers, the administration, seemingly having attended Faber College’s John Blutarsky School of Government, has responded in the only way they know how:


After 60 years of national security advisors refraining from partisan politicking, President Bush sent National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice on the campaign trail. In this time of great peril, what better place for the president’s chief foreign policy advisor than a Cleveland Browns practice? Or at Pittsburg’s Carnegie Melon chatting up the co-eds? Or at an AIPAC convention in Hollywood, Florida?

Hmmm. Ohio, Pennsylvania, Florida? Subtlty has never been an attribute of the Bush-Cheney squad.

Meanwhile, to further hammer home the administration’s hammer-to-nail relationship with the American people, Vice President Cheney took a bus trip through Ohio, stopping in Carrol, Ohio to make his case for re-election: "The biggest threat we face now as a nation is the possibility of terrorists' ending up in the middle of one of our cities with deadlier weapons than have ever before been used against us - biological agents or a nuclear weapon or a chemical weapon of some kind - to be able to threaten the lives of hundreds of thousands of Americans.''

The vice president later stated that John Kerry is trying to scare Americans.

Did Mr. Cheney just pass through Lewis Carroll, Ohio?

To be fair to Ms. Rice, her visit to the Browns might have had something to do with her post-January 20, 2005 employment plans. In the past, she expressed interest in becoming commissioner of the National Football League. And perhaps Ms. Rice’s visits to Ohio, Pennsylvania and Florida have nothing to do with November 2. Maybe Condi is taking Darth Cheney’s gloom and doom warnings of an impending attack seriously and heading for the hills? Dodging danger does seem to be another trait of the Bush-Cheney crowd, after all. Bush and Cheney might think "High Noon" is a great movie, but it would have been a much different film if Marshall Will Kane had retreated to an undisclosed location.

In any case, Iraq is going to hell in a hand basket, North Korea and Iran have the bomb, the economy is still ailing and this winter grandma might succumb to the flu. Yet Dick Cheney still operates on the other side of the looking glass and Condi is conferring about the 4-3 defense with Cleveland quarterback Jeff Garcia and playing defense for 43. No one is sure what Osama is up to these days, but I’m confident it does not involve playing defensive tackle for Cleveland’s football team.

The Bush-Cheney reelection effort turns on America viewing them as the sober and experienced leaders in dangerous times. Yet the foreign policy instructor for our nation’s first DWI (Driving While Ignorant) president is on the road instead of being at the wheel.

If it weren’t for the plastic Jesus on the dashboard, I’d be worried right now.


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